These few days have been rough. Not rough as in oh-so-many-bad-things-are-happening rough, but nothing-is-really happening rough. Friends after friends after friends are leaving Kuala Lumpur for a nice vacation trip outside of Malaysia or simply just going back to their own hometown. Blogging has never been my forte, and my previous endeavors of writing a blog was chastised by so various friends who read it because of my inability to censor my posts or to just blatantly write what I feel like writing. However, with friends and acquaintances alike leaving Kuala Lumpur to have a better one a half months worth of semester break, I am back to this little sanctuary, this small hole that people come and go as they please, giggling or revolting as they read the words and things I have to say.
If I would have to summarize my holidays in Malaysia in these past two years with a word, then that would be dull. Just... Dull. Nothing will be happening. Time passes by like a breeze floating through air and chafing through the clouds. People would come and enter the premises of this small hole, yes, but they would not be welcomed by me; most of them are my mum's friends and acquaintances, people who take beauty and money as the key for happiness. My younger stepsisters will be starting their schools too, with the older one taking on new challenges in the form of entering (finally!) a secondary school.
Perhaps I am just dull. I have books I have not read, video games that I bought but had not finished playing yet and unopened DVDs that were making friends with dust and pieces of wood chips that my old cupboard would produce, and I have finished them all in a matter of days. Days of my holidays are now spent watching the stale, yellow windows that were left behind by the previous owner while looking down thirty one floors down, observing guards roaming the condominium premises with eyes like a droopy dog, only to talk to their fellow guards with a black, oily walkie-talkie that they had strapped over their left shoulder.
This new level of dullness also led me to watching the Lord of the Rings trilogy three times in a week, which is never a bad thing, but it will be if I could not find any films deserving for me to watch. I watched films with myself in theaters in Malaysia multiple times before; theater ushers could only look on as they see this young man passes them the ticket with a smile that could only be forged with social obligation.
Waves and waves of new firepower has arrived inside me. I am less patient, more prone to anger and full of doubts that would fill my head with thoughts that you wish any villain in a Steven Spielberg movie should have. I have just realized one thing that I could have realized a long time ago, and for the first time, this sentence made much sense to me.
I am alone.
Even the lady, my girlfriend, whose time is controlled by her very own family, could not curb this feeling of loneliness. She is leaving for Hong Kong in the next couple of days and that would be the temporary end to all human interactions I have with others. Perhaps, just perhaps, I just need courage to find those who stay behind Kuala Lumpur and maybe just be around a group of humans, but who is to say they would agree to go out with this young man whose words and actions resemble a slightly lonelier, Asian version of Holden Caulfield?
Even I, myself, laugh at this notion, for I know anyone knows better than to be close to me.
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I have never used this phrase before, for this phrase is much used and most of the time, never true, but damn, I can really relate to this song.
