horizon.

The masters are back. My goodness, what a masterpiece of an album!

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As my 6th and final semester of ADP approaches with a vague knock on the door, I am contemplating on the many things this course has taught me.

It has not been a good two years in ADP. The intended and unintended drama, the tension, the rapid declining of passion in academics, the rising responsibilities of being the only male in my household, and the decisions.

Oh, the decisions.

Trying to make things right will never cut it, because the past will never change itself ever again, but the future was and still is in my hands, and I never made a single effort to fling my hand to grab it, to secure it like many others would in this age. I squandered it away like a king, a mad king, a king whose love and compassion is being counted and measured by favors of humans and gold. What good money can give you is faith, but faith can never buy you security. My heart has been feeling void for a long four years, with nearly nothing to fill it.

In these two years, I have lived, died and lived again. The drums are playing with a resounding beat of freedom, the sounds of a bird being released from a rusty cage, a boy turning into a man under many eyes of snakes. Two and a half more months, and I shall not be called a boy, but a man.

They say flowers are destined to wilt and lose its beauty, but what beauty can it be when its life is determined by the soil it is grown on? I will remain here, a moist but incompetent soil of a country where many have left to find soil worthy to grow on. I possess no gold to do that, and I no longer have the courage to do that. There is only so many moments a man like me would try to shake off the flakes of security and go in search of a better life, but life has abandoned me with its powerful rain. What remains is a white flower stained by the words of others and the lies of telling itself being blue in color.

A smile will never buy friendship, and I am inclined to believe in that. Only favors do, and when favors sink in, a true friendship would blossom under the initial intention of using one another. Perhaps in ADP, I am not fated to have that many acquaintances or friends, for I do not believe in brokering and instead on trust.

As the next two and a half months of my final semester, I shall smile and be the white flower that I have always wanted others to see.

This is the end, and I shall be the one to start it again.

And this, despite its dreamy feel, is what I shall listen to as I walk to class tomorrow. What little harm can it make when your life is a packaged lie that your closest ones and yourself donned for perhaps their whole lives?

mr a

I just love The Hoosiers. Listening to them always make me smile.


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In less than 12 hour's time, I will be back to my 2nd home, the place where I spent half of my life in.

Singapore.

I am genuinely looking forward to going there, and for that, this blog will be on a hiatus for about a week. Smell you later.

murder by numbers/ humans

Oh, Malaysia. You amuse me.

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We humans are susceptible to emotions and the amount of attention we give to it is staggering. What a double edged dagger this is. 

We all die and live by it, never falling asleep because of it, never giving up because of it, and never going to intellectually move on because of it. We perceive manners and situations based on experiences we faced and the influences that our dear ones imposed on us, making us fragile to the events that are unfolding before us and the future, which seemed to be controlled by the very things we think we could control.

As much as human beings try to evolve and be the protagonist-in-a-movie version of themselves, we will stay the same. We fault ourselves based on things that we cannot grasp and reward ourselves to things we have not yet come to understand. We are the most flawed human beings in the world, yet we are gifted with such intelligence that we come to undermine our own decisions and the amount of side effects that we would be facing once we choose to let that pass. 

We slave ourselves through life, going through many emotional ordeals such as love or anger, and in the end, our inner structure collapses and what would happen if it does? We push our ordeals aside and build it back to its original state again, but will it be safe from predators? Will the structure be a structure? Will everything, if anything, be the same again?

Death comes as an easy route for the barren, but living presents itself as the hardest journey to come by. What a joke. 

What a joke indeed.

jumper/ glow

Reminds me of my childhood and the secret dream I had to want to be in a band playing drums. It happened, and oh boy, did it feel so good despite being in one for a short period of time.

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It is days like this when this human will pop up in my mind and overwhelm me with memories over the four semesters we are together in.

As much as I do not want to say it, I just cannot bring myself to forget you. Your impact is so much more than just an ukulele and the meaning of kinship. It is also about friendship and the many things we can love other than just the things we can feel with our five senses.

I guess, maybe, just maybe, we can finally meet again and right the wrongs I have done.